In a follow-up to our Rough Guide to Parenting Styles and subsequent Complete Guide to Authoritative Parenting, we now take a deeper dive into Gentle Parenting. There has been much discussion and debate around this style of parenting in recent times, particularly on social media platforms. The style has experienced great popularity among many parents, but has also drawn criticism from others. There has also been some confusion about where it sits in comparison to other similar styles. Is it the same, or different? Well, one could argue that gentle parenting is somewhere between permissive parenting and ‘pure’ authoritative parenting. It has similarities to both, particularly authoritative parenting, and could be described as a softer version, or even a sub-category, of it. Part of today’s guide will touch on such similarities as well as clear differences between the three styles. We’ll also take a look at any benefits or challenges associated with the gentle parenting style. With all that in mind, welcome to today’s Complete Guide to Gentle Parenting.
What is Gentle Parenting?
At the heart of Gentle Parenting is empathy, kindness, respect, and a close bond between a parent and child. Such connections are given priority over control and obedience, and there are no punishments as such. Instead, gentle parenting uses a type of “positive discipline” where children’s behaviour is guided softly, in a measured way, without fear, threat, or punishment. ‘Gentle’ parents work with children to solve a problem collaboratively while, of course, acting to keep them and everyone else safe.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that gentle parenting gives children no discipline and no boundaries. It gives them both, but they are applied in gentle, empathetic, reasoned, and collaborative ways.
That said, it’s important to understand that gentle parenting is not the same as permissive parenting, where it could be argued that anything goes so long as children are happy. In contrast, with gentle parenting, rules and boundaries are imposed — albeit through empathy, explanation, and sympathetic guidance. Respectful communication, the acknowledgement of children’s feelings — even when behaviours are challenging — and an understanding of young children’s developmental limitations are all part of this. After all, under-fives have ‘big’ emotions and don’t always understand why their feelings are as they are, nor why their emotions sometimes reach a tipping point.
“Every single behaviour communicates some sort of unmet need or underdeveloped skill.” — Kelly Medina Enos, Parenting Coach.
So, with gentle parenting, parents very much tune into children’s emotions and listen carefully to their opinions, needs, and perspectives. They then gently reason with children not so much to tell them what they can’t do, but more to explain what they can do. So, for example, rather than saying ‘No!’ to a toddler trying to climb onto a coffee table, they may instead tell them it’s better to keep their feet on the ground so they don’t fall off and hurt themselves. It works many times because young children often switch off to too many negative commands like ‘Stop that!’ and ‘No’. That said, there are, of course, times when such exclamations cannot be avoided, for example, during times of imminent danger when urgency is paramount so as to keep a child from harm.
Key Traits of Gentle Parenting
Gentle parenting typically has the following traits:
- It has a high level of emotional warmth towards the child.
- Its discipline style is very soft and empathetic.
- Rules and boundaries exist, but have a high degree of flexibility.
- Consequences (i.e. threats or imposition of punishments) are usually avoided.
- There is a high level of connection between the parent and the child.
- Parents work with the child through collaboration.
How Does Gentle Parenting Differ From Authoritative Parenting?
Gentle parenting shares most of authoritative parenting’s values — kindness, respect, emotional warmth and deep connections between parent and child — and could even be described as a sub-category or variant of that model. However, there are some subtle traits of gentle parenting that separate it a little from the ‘pure’ authoritative parenting model. With gentle parenting, power struggles and conflict are avoided and therefore parents rarely threaten or apply ‘consequences’. In contrast, the authoritative parenting approach to discipline could be described as more clearly structured and firm, although also remaining empathetic. And, while both styles require parents to listen carefully to children and guide rather than forcefully controlling them, gentle parenting allows comparatively more flexibility in the application of the rules, structure, and boundaries. As the name implies, gentle parenting is exactly that — more gentle in its approach — and treats children in the way that we might perhaps have appreciated ourselves when we were children. It should not, however, be confused with permissive parenting, which we’ll compare below.
How Does Gentle Parenting Compare to Permissive Parenting?
While gentle parenting uses a softer approach to the pure version of authoritative parenting, it is by no means as soft as permissive parenting. While all three value kindness, respect, emotional warmth and deep connections, permissive parenting goes further by reducing boundaries and structure almost completely. Happiness is prioritised at the expense of structure and consistency. Indeed, one could argue that, with permissive parenting, anything goes. That is not the case with gentle parenting, which applies structure, rules, and boundaries, albeit in a softly-softly, collaborative way.
“Gentle parenting does not equate to permissiveness. It involves setting clear and consistent boundaries while offering children age-appropriate choices within those boundaries. This fosters a sense of autonomy and helps children learn to make responsible decisions” — PositivePsychology.com
The Benefits of Gentle Parenting
Because so much focus is given to understanding and validating a child’s perspective and emotions, a child raised through gentle parenting will feel more ‘heard’ than with many other parenting styles. They will also be dealing with a parent who is calm, kind, and respectful to them. That is good role-modelling and, as such, is an approach that a child is more likely to adopt.
Gentle parenting usually also results in deep, loving and healthy connections between parent and child — long-term bonds that form a strong and important backbone to family life.
As with ‘pure’ authoritative parenting, children raised via the gentle parenting variant tend to have healthy levels of resilience, self-esteem, confidence, and emotional intelligence. They will feel heard, respected, and understood by parents, with whom they have secure and trusting bonds. Interestingly, they also tend to become higher academic achievers than those brought up with contrasting parenting models.
Challenges Associated With Gentle Parenting
While gentle parenting has become very popular amongst young families in recent years, being a comparatively new term also means that not much academic research exists about it. So, it’s tricky to scientifically compare it to other parenting styles that may have more evidence attached to them — for example, ‘pure’ authoritative parenting, which has been studied for years and is often cited as the ‘gold standard’ of parenting models.
There is also a danger that, if applied too softly, gentle parenting could drift more towards permissive parenting, an indulgent model where anything goes, and happiness is given priority over the learning of rules, self-discipline, self-control, responsibility, and perhaps even accountability.
Another potential challenge for parents switching for the first time to gentle parenting is the possible need for them to adapt their use of language. Initially, for example, it can be tricky to consistently avoid negative commands (‘No!’, ‘Don’t do that!’, ‘Stop!’, etc.) in favour of explaining what a child can do instead. Likewise, it may be difficult, at first, to remember to listen proactively to the child’s perspective and only then show or explain logically what an appropriate behaviour or action might be. Such things are opportunities for teachable moments, though, and are therefore potentially much more powerful than barking orders without explanation or empathy.
Key Takeaways — Which Parenting Style is Best?
Is there a ‘best’ parenting style? Well, each has its own benefits and challenges, and parents may, by necessity, sometimes need to switch between models depending on the situation. Some, however, are clearly better for children than others. Indeed, as we’ve said before, authoritative parenting has, for some years, been seen as the gold standard of parenting styles. And gentle parenting is often cited as simply a softer version of it. By definition, therefore, gentle parenting has significant and proven merits. It’s therefore not surprising that it’s so popular on parent forums and social media. (That is except, of course, when it’s mistaken for permissive parenting, which it is not).
Weighing up all the pros and cons of the various parenting styles, one could easily argue that the sweet spot is close to authoritative and properly executed gentle parenting — there is little doubt that outcomes are very good with each. However, how styles are best chosen or blended by parents will depend on several things. Factors will include the specific situation, the child’s age, their temperament, and, to an extent, how much time a parent has available in that moment. The best styles take time — but are hugely beneficial to the child. There will be a few times, however, when they just won’t cut it, like when a child is about to do something extremely dangerous — an abrupt and authoritarian ‘Stop!’ will always have its place in such urgent situations. There is no doubt that parenting is hard. It is okay, therefore, that it’s most likely to be a balancing act between styles as situations present themselves. That said, parents could do much worse than choosing gentle or authoritative parenting as their core style.
“There’s no one-size-fits-all, and you don’t have to commit to a label. The best parenting style is the one that helps you build a strong, respectful relationship with your child—while guiding them to thrive in the real world.” — WholeMindPsychology.com
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In today’s post, we explore the benefits of using positive language around under-fives. All too often, it’s tempting to say ‘No!’, ‘Stop that!’ or even ‘Don’t Eat That!’ and similar around little ones. This is particularly true when you want them to cease the offending activity urgently or are simply exhausted if it’s been a challenging day. There are good reasons for such negative commands, of course, not least that of their safety in many cases. However, such commands can sound stern and cause stress for the little ones. What’s more, if a child hears too much negative language and cannot understand why they’re not allowed to do a particular thing, problems can begin to arise and, indeed, the issue can become insidious. It may even result in worsening behaviour. Let’s explore, therefore, the issues around negative language and the simple solution that’s available in the form of positive language.
Sometimes, though, constantly hearing ‘no’ can spark tantrums, particularly if a child doesn’t understand the reason they are not allowed to do something. They can feel particularly frustrated when they receive a succession of negative commands and, in the end, may feel they simply can’t do anything right. This can lead not only to stress for them, but also to possible low self-esteem. Furthermore, if they hear ‘no’ and other negative language too often, they can begin to ‘tune out’ to it. They could then go on to develop challenging behaviour due to this, their confusion and frustration. Stress levels can then rise for the parent too, the infant can pick up on this and it can become a real vicious circle. It doesn’t have to be that way, though …
Stop shouting!
Please use a much softer voice.